“I’m Not a Player, I Just (Give A) Fuck A Lot…”

IMG_20140913_105824So, I have been quieter than usual the past couple of days; both on and off these pages.

I have felt the need to shut up and check in with myself, in an attempt to gauge how I am doing. You see, I can continue to “put out” for you and all the other obligations I have committed to; but, I have learned the hard way (and this is not one of the places where I appreciate things that are “hard”), that self-care is equally as important as ‘their-care’. So, I unplugged the outward connection and connected the inner. Let’s address the diagnosis.

Fury and all her alter-egos are happy! Thank God! But (and there is a “but”), there also is a sadness that has taken up some residence in the not-so-far recesses of my being that I need to attend to. So, when I located said state, I took it out, placed in squarely in front of me and began to twist and turn it in an effort to determine not only its origins, but its intention. You should have determined by this time that I am not the “sweep it under the rug” kinda girl; so, I am confronting this shit head-on!

Okay. Yesterday I tilted my head and looked at my ‘sadness’; because in the middle of the morning, I felt the incredible urge to just fall apart. Don’t play; you know you know that feeling! Okay; if you insist on feigning ignorance; let me play along – I was overwhelmed with the feeling to sweep everything off of my desk, kick my heels off, un-wrap my bun, take the phone off the hook, put my head down…and just bawl! Not cry; bawl! I felt in need of an incredible release! It hasn’t yet come L

A best friend asked me once, “don’t you ever get tired of being you?” and, it is a question that still makes me laugh out loud. The reason it is apropos here is this; the answer at times (like yesterday; like today), is simply “yes”. It gets tiring because at times it seems I have done such a bang-up job at being the “life of the party” that any bit of deviation from that role screams louder than a bad-ass two-year old in the throes of a tantrum. Silence from me generates the immediate question, “are you okay?”. Sigh. People….I can shut-up, you know J

My heart hurts today. It hurts because even as I have been so greatly blessed, I have also lost so much… in the past two years. So, as I have expressed my gratitude to my God, my friends and my benefactors for their blessings, so too must I express the losses that hurt. Duality. I reject the people and the notion that dictate we should only speak about, we must only address, the good in life; seeming to suggest that to acknowledge the shitty flies in the face of ones blessings. That is pure ignorance!

People, life IS great! But, there are undoubtedly times when it seems we may have pissed somebody in authority off – because they rain a pile of crap down on us! Those “in touch” with their inner beings may call it ‘karma’. Those living more on the surface of their lives simply say, “you must take the good with the bad”. Me?  I occupy real estate in both those realms and simply say this, “what the fuck is this shit”! Wow!

Listen, I will deal with myself. I will talk (thank you for listening), cry, pray and scream it through; because, I must go on. It is hard sometimes though; and those times, I need help. Some days, it is just too much work to be tough; sometimes I’m just a plain ole weak girl – needing someone else to be strong. In those moments when a breeze blows bringing with it a memory of a past loss or pain, there is absolutely nothing you can do but to let it sway you; you must ride it like you do a wave and pray it brings you safely back to shore. You see, when you have committed your life to living and feeling deeply, implicit in that agreement is the acceptance to experience all feelings.

I need to check in with another friend of mine; she is my go-to person who lets me know if something or the other is in retrograde J . To tell the truth, I am unsure as to what prompted this minor episode; I just know that there are tears swimming very close to the surface – just waiting on someone to put their arms around me. Okay. Wait. Excuse me for a few; seems like it’s cry time…. (5 miutes later)…I’m back; and boy do I feel better! Haha. Seems as if writing to you all is all the therapy I may need! Okay, I won’t go overboard; I’m certain I need more than this; but you’re what I can afford! Hahahahaha.

There are some people missing in my life. Some left of their own accord; others didn’t have a choice. I miss them. I miss them because they were/could have been a big source of happiness for me. I miss them because my/the world still needs their presence. I miss them because they still make me feel. I cry because my love is never generic – each drop of it has a name.

One response to “I’m Not a Player, I Just (Give A) Fuck A Lot…”

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