I have always believed, somewhere inside, that eventually I would leave my mark on you. Little did I know that it would be you that would leave an indelible impression on me. So, in honor of your dominance over me, I hereby pay tribute to your strength; and give you your due…
I am not sure how I entered your space. Was I kicking and screaming? Or did I come peacefully? What I do know, is that since then I have not stopped fighting! I know that until the day I leave you, I will forever be trying to find my way. You have made life such a maze. Why have you not given me the road map to, at the very least, be able to arrive at a place in all your vastness that is truly peaceful?
I promise myself however, that I will keep on trying. Before I go, I will find the haven that was created for me. I will not give up; as I know that such a space exists! Now understand, I think that you are beautiful. I cherish all the twists and turns that you have carved into your surface. I revel in the discoveries that I uncover every day. I trust in the security that you smile, cry, wake, sleep, sometimes seemingly turn your back and are cold; but then forgive all and we bask in your sunshine!
However, sometimes I wonder why you’ve invited me in. Sometimes I wonder why you attempt to take my strength. I question sometimes why, when I finally get my legs under me, you then find a way to knock them out. What am I missing? Do you demand that I maintain a position of supplication? Tell me. Because, I am not as strong as you think, World. I know at times I seem to be; but please trust in my knowledge of my limitations; I am not.
I cry too. Indeed, my earliest awareness of myself bears tears. My recollections are of the little me wondering why you brought me here. My voice cracks, my heart aches and my strength leaves me! What is it that I need to prove to you?!? That I am human? I am. That I am capable? I am. That I am worthy? Well, you tell me. Is it absolutely necessary that we continuously sit these exams? If so, why do you not send us a qualified tutor?
Is it time to call a truce, World? Were you waiting for this day? Well, if so, please let today be the day that you understand that I know you are the stronger of the two! Please let today be the day that you realize I am no longer fighting against you; but am only trying to push against and through the pain. Understand that for as far back as I can remember, I have never had the belief that I will ever win. I am not that girl. Again, I know my limitations.
I beg of you to believe that I am only trying to survive. My only desire is peace. Peace in my heart; and for my soul. Is that too much to ask of you? World, I know that you are the ultimate host; and you have invited me here. So, please now, do what is your duty and make me feel welcome. I know which fork to use. I know what shoe to wear. I know where to put my elbows. And, I know what the appropriate gift is. Please, I beg of you to fully let me in and validate my presence here! I promise…I will not be an embarrassment to you.
World, I hope you hear me. I hope you see that I am sincere. I hope you believe in me. I hope you have more room at your table…….