Tomorrow I will be quiet; so today let me share with you all why.
Tomorrow is the date that my son was scheduled to have been born. By now you all know that I miscarried my son two years ago; you all also know that the impact of both his brief presence and forever absence remains with me. ‘Tomorrow ‘ will be the third one that I will have to get through in a way that no one should ever have to.
So today, right at the top of my “to-do list” is to try to brace myself for the onslaught of emotion that I know will come; that has in some ways, already come. Those of you who have experienced loss fully understand the sweet naiveté of such an endeavor; all the preparation in the world will mean nothing when sitting in the middle of that moment. But, still we try.
There is something so poignantly bittersweet that happens in life sometimes; let me share one (or, actually two) of those experiences. When I found out I was pregnant, while attempting to wrap my head around it, my beautiful sister-friend Semaj called me – to share the same news! She was pregnant and was due two weeks after I was! In that moment, I truly thought life could get no better! There we were…about to share such an amazing experience at that time in our lives, together. I miscarried shortly thereafter. Even though I was so angry at God, I continue to thank Him for the safe delivery of her beautiful daughter and my God-child, Zenn. You’ve “met” her in a prior post.
The next year, my, who-is-not-related-to-me-but-is-in-all-ways-that-matter, sister Dez, told me that she and her partner Cynthia were pregnant. I remember knowing that she was hesitant in telling me the news, in respect and sensitivity of my recent loss. I admit to feeling at times that I couldn’t breathe. I readily admit to envy; wishing it were me eagerly awaiting the birth of my son. I also smiled, as I do now, with unrestrained joy at their blessing. In June of 2013 Cyn gave birth to, as Dez delivered their son, my God-son Elijah.
Here’s why I have told you about them: yesterday randomly (although we all know that few things happen randomly), Semaj called and told me she and Zenn would be coming in to spend some time with me. They did – we went to dinner, a little shopping and shared a whole lot of laughter! Zenn got to show-off, trotting out all her new words and sentences for me J . Also yesterday, Dez called and asked if I could please do them a huge favor and babysit Eli this morning; I did. He too impressed me with his new words – and I got to teach him two more, DeeDee J .
These two little people both broke my heart and put some stitches in the open wound. Looking at their faces and listening to their voices made me wonder what my son would have looked like; how he would have sounded. The reality of these two little beautiful people is, as are all things, no accident. At times I feel they are like book-ends – propping me up and keeping me together. They are the heart-breaking reminders and the innocent healers of a love that left, but was never lost. Thank you Sis, Cyn, Semaj and Jordan.
So tomorrow I will be quiet. I will, as I always do, think of, cry for, smile at, pray about, love on and talk to my son. I will “celebrate” the day that he was to have been born and continue to let him know it is okay that he has had to have a different journey. Shit! The tears…Tomorrow, as I do very often, I will thank him for changing my life; for making me brave – to speak, to write, to live, to love.
The day before people say, “Happy Almost Birthday”. To my son I say, “Almost. Happy Birthday”. Mommy.