So, I turned over at almost-eight this morning, thought better of getting up just then, put my never-fails white noise on and took my ass back to sleep… until just now. I must say this is a much more acceptable hour to be vertical on a (rainy) Sunday morning.
So, here I am; rested, soothed by a cup of tea and ready to see what unfolds today in this big beautiful illusion we call ‘life’! Ha-ha. Indeed. I’m sorry; yall did not realize that that is what we are all living? An ‘illusion’? Oops, sorry; I guess I should have accounted for that reality and performed some fore-play before diving right into it, huh? Well… as long as I’m already in, let me continue – I swear I will be gentle 😉
I refer to life as such not because I do not think that it is real; but rather because like any great illusion (I am hoping you’ve gone to a magic show? See… this is why fore-play is important), living this life we have been granted, calls for, imagination, dexterity, elements of surprise, sleight of hand, periodic distraction, skill, a willing audience and participation. Shit… quite frankly, it’s one great big, fabulous, luscious mind-fuck! But see, like a trick, what is needed for success and mastery is a magician – someone dedicated to his craft; with a dogged determination to amaze and walk away leaving everyone with their mouths open wide in wonder.
Okay, all metaphors aside (for a moment), let’s address this. Lately I have been consumed with the thoughts of a woman smack-dab in the middle of a time of social and political unrest and upheaval. My thoughts are constantly hijacked by trying to decide on my role in all of this; somewhat confused by my (expected) level of involvement. I have been wondering about my life and checking twice to see if I am indeed on the path that I am destined to travel. Am I doing it right? See, sometimes I know that it seems I am on the periphery of the (political and social) happenings; opting (seeming) passivity instead of active involvement. At times I know my behavior projects the position that “I do not have a dog in this fight”; I get it.
See, but this is exactly what I mean about illusions – I saw a magic trick the other day where a magician made a bird cage with a canary in it ‘disappear’ from the hands of my seven year old niece – still don’t know where that damn cage is! And, I was right there! Up front and center! This ‘trick’ still has me quite flabbergasted; and, I am like a dog with a bone – cannot let it go! But see, as a grown up, I realize that in order to preserve the sanctity of his craft, I do need to “let it go”; I will have to find a way to make the not knowing the sexy part of the experience and move on. Some things, many experiences, shit, life is like that.
There is so much that happens that defies explanation or rationalization; even as we hypothesize about same. There are experiences that are as beautiful in their simplicity as there are those that twist our minds and hearts so much that it hurts to breathe. There are realities that we wish were illusions and some illusions that we pray could be real. This life brings joy and pain; but it can also bring a pain that just hurts so damned good! What I’m trying to address is this – sometimes, even in the face of disbelief, we must simply let go and move forward. We need to recognize that each moment spent, is already the past. Before you have finished reading any syllable of any word I have written, it has become what you did do. See how quickly life passes? See how quickly it disappears?
Ty (my seven year old niece) did her best to hold on to that bird cage; but in the blink of all our eyes, he made it disappear. Justlikefuckingthat (as I snap my fingers)! We were and are left to acknowledge the truth of what we experienced… and move on. Just like life. I sit and think about what’s happening – I see it; like you, I live it. I recognize the injustices and I rejoice in the successes. I wonder at my role in either and my contribution. I decide where to place my words and actions. Every day, I pray I make the correct decisions.
I am no magician; left up to me, Ty will still be holding that birdcage. But, what I am is a woman committed to moving forward – by making the pain of the past disappear. I acknowledge what I saw – the bodies, the racism, the prejudices, the injustices – yes, they were no illusion. But, in my quest to experience and share the moments that take all our breaths away, it is imperative that I believe in the wonder; because after all, we are all just an audience.. and this is simply the greatest show on earth!