So, last night was a late one for me; not for any very fun or naughty reason – simply because my mind was quite full of the occurrences of the past – and the imminent date reminders. Sigh.
So, while I thrashed around in my mind and heart, I simply could not help but to cry out; to beg your, my and their God to “please, please make it stop!” I (almost) promised my first-born as a trade; instead opting to just ride it out. It was rough; and this morning, the remnants of last night are quite visible – the tear tracks, the puffy eyes, the almost smile that one practices, for those just-in-case moments.
So, coming up, there is his loss, my loss, our loss; dates and days that should never truly have happened the ways they did; and that years later, still defy rationalization. Moments in time that have forever colored our worlds an undeniable shade of black. Occurrences that one never truly awakes from. The forever bad dream.
See, but as I share this with you, not far from my consciousness are the words I penned yesterday. But, not just the words on the paper, but more importantly the sentiment and the truth behind them (and, if you did not read yesterday’s… shame on you!). For a heart that is dedicated to not simply seeing, but to sharing the beauty and optimism of the world, a night such as last night’s, has no true place; certainly no permanency. Moments and experiences that attempt to turn our dreams into the stuff of nightmares must not be allowed to claim us.
Listen, I’m not so simple that I’m trying to sell you on the notion that eradicating pain or reality is that simple; not at all (nor will I ever attempt to insult your intelligences that way). But what I am advocating for, is the decision to want it gone and the determination to make that so. Listen. To. Me. Last night was bad; the moments that had brought me to my knees in the past reared their heads in an attempt to take me down again; they trotted all my insecurities and non-successes in front of me, seeming to taunt me. It worked; #lastfuckingnight.
But see, this morning I woke up; surviving the onslaught. And, what that means, what this proves, is that in no way am I, are we ever to allow the realities of the past to overtake our present or futures! Our goals should always be… fuck that – our goals must always be to rise every day renewed, rejuvenated and re-strengthened! Listen, there is a reason, greater than merely resting, why we typically only sleep an average of eight hours at night – bogeymen and nightmares sometimes show up then. But match that up against the number of hours of light, of brightness – the number of hours dedicated to hope. See?
So last night the stuff of my sadness came a-callin’. I made a mistake and answered the door… and paid the price. But today, well today I have erected video cameras around my perimeter – so never again will I be fooled into not knowing what’s on the other side. I thank God for all the moments in time that I have lived and for those that I have survived; they have equally shaped and fashioned me. But, nowhere is it mandated that I need to continue to sleep with the bad man!
Today we celebrate a symbol and legacy of hope, determination, freedom and most importantly peace. I wish you all the courage to believe and the strength to make all your dreams, not nightmares, come true.