Waiting To Exhale.

…..been a bit quiet lately. My inclination has been to hide; as if staying quiet, holding my breath and only poking my head out when absofuckinglutely necessary will change the fact that in twenty-nine days, it will be the anniversary of a reality that I still mourn and that I wish with everything I have inside of me that used to be able to make magic happen, I could have changed.

So this morning I have come up with a new plan; because quite frankly, wishing it away will not work. Today, I have decided that maybe if I were to start now and space it out, the impact wouldn’t be as severe on March 21st. Today I am hoping (yes; that day three years ago took away my ability to always pray) that this year, this year… I am wishing that this year I get to understand why my baby couldn’t stay. This year I am begging everything in the Universe that loves me, to bring understanding. And, if that is still not possible, please just bring some solace.

I’m going to take my time and start now. And maybe, just maybe, if I cry just a little every day, on that day, maybe the impact will not shatter my heart once again. Maybe.

I wrote this in remembrance of a reality that changed my soul forever.


Tears on my Inner Window Pain

For every memory of joy

For the loss of my little boy

The tears fall…

For all the wasted words

For all the pain that was not heard

The tears fall…

 For the dreams that were lost

For my heart that has turned to frost

The tears fall…

 For the laughter that you stole

For my pain that no one can console

The tears fall…

 For the trust that was broken

For my security that was shaken

The tears fall…

 For the nights that steal my sleep

For the wounds that go so deep

The tears fall…

 For my reality that has changed

For my life that must be rearranged

The tears fall…

For the prayers that go unanswered

For the smiles that I must master

The tears fall…

For the isolation that I feel

For my heart that just won’t heal

The tears fall…

 For your name that I don’t call

For the lie that was it all

The tears…

For the peace I will someday reach

For the lessons that this will teach

The tears fall.

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