At this stage in my life, I received a phone call from a young lady (yes, I insist on calling her that), who intended to confront me about my association with/to her boyfriend. She got straight to the point and that point seemed designed to call me every name in the book that she has yet encountered that befitted a woman of my seemingly very loose moral standing! Her purpose for the intrusion into my peace and my life, was to educate me on the reality that it is “sluts like you who open your legs” and entice otherwise innocent men; that without “hoes” like me, her man would be where he belongs – in the home she is building for him and their son. She knows that I and others like me are to blame, because she knows that he does not go around telling people he’s single and, we just don’t care!
So, I let her tell me things about myself that I was, before that call, unaware of. I listened because I was loathe to miss the other names that I now gather had been erroneously left off my birth certificate. Yes, I let her finish. But then, I politely asked her to allow me to speak, because there was no way that after disturbing my Sunday evening (especially as I was already struggling to concentrate on studying), I was going to let her off of this call without addressing a few things!
The very first thing I said was that I was absolutely no threat to her (naturally she “black-girl” responded that no one was a threat to her; but I had to point out that she was making phone calls at 8:20pm on a Sunday, trying to track down the particular “slut” who was infiltrating her hen-house!). Then, I cautioned this young lady to be very careful where she places the responsibility for whatever was happening in her home; and without a doubt, something was happening. I also suggested that she becomes cautious about letting her (righteous) anger dictate permission to call, curse and insult women that she knows nothing about; that is risky and foolish. In no way does the pursuit of her right to be treated well ever usurp my right to the same! And quite frankly, I applaud my restraint in not allowing my eventual anger at the call and the name-calling to take me down the path of sisterly enlightenment; my restraint in not at 8:20pm, devastating a world that seemingly only she, even if she were to win this phone-call battle, is unaware that she has already lost the relationship- war.
I continue to marvel at women’s naiveté when it comes to assigning the blame of infidelity squarely where it belongs! So many are like this misguided young woman – preferring to blame other women for the demise of their so-called partners’ morality; opting to believe that but for others’ immoral, slutty behavior, he/she would be safely and faithfully at home. Ridiculous! Not one of these women will (publicly) admit that their mates are at fault, or heaven forbid, that they may themselves share some culpability! Instead, they opt to lay the blame at the “other woman’s” feet; because well, like I was told, it seems I do not know how to keep my legs closed! Boy does she not know me!
I am purposely staying away from taking this in the direction that is so easy, saying that “all men are dogs”; because well, they certainly aren’t. In fact, I have met some morally fantastic ones! I do however know that some men, like some women, are certainly lacking in moral fortitude and will absofuckinglutely indulge in behaviors that their relationship-status should preclude them from. Absolutely! And, I think that many women and men fall victim to those types; making the ones at home not the only ones being lied to. This is what I cautioned that young lady about. It will serve her well to understand that even as there are indeed others who will discount the validity of your relationship (as your partner also does) there are also those that have been told that your relationship is invalid.
But even hours after the call, I am still struck with the amount of work this young lady is intending to do and the fact that maybe it has not yet penetrated for her that that work may be a constant. You see, after I assured her I was the least of her problems, she informed me that she would then be calling the “next on the list”. Wow! I actually feel sorry for her and for anyone else that elects this as the course of action they should pursue in a situation such as this. What the hell are you trying to protect?! Let’s say you succeed in scaring off those on your most recent ‘new number list’, do you know how many more there will be? But more importantly, why the hell would someone try to delude themselves into thinking that that is a relationship worth fighting for?! What about being in a situation that for you dictates you call and threaten random women on a Sunday night says honorable, respectful, safe and empowering? Sigh.
Listen, too often we romanticize our unions, preferring to think that the threats are all coming from the outside and that the “boogeyman” lives out there. I think it’s about time we face the truth, look at what truly is, deal with it head-on – face it inside our homes! I have never, nor will I at this stage in my life become one of those misguided women who think that my value goes up with my ability to lure your partner from you; I respect both myself and the roundness of the world too much to be that short-sighted! Additionally, when I enter into relationship it is with the view to my partner staying, not just visiting; so I have zero interest in leasing. Finally, my self-esteem is an intact one, so attempting to prove my femininity or womanliness at the expense of another will never be necessary for me. So instead of lasting anger, I feel empathy toward this young woman and her partner. I do. Because, I would hate to ever be in a relationship where there is still the necessity to look outside for what I need – either for a place to lay blame or a place to find companionship.