It’s Wedlock, Not Wedluck!

So….. Do you want to get married? Not to me, dummy; to him or her? Are you what some consider the “marrying kind?” Or better yet ladies are you what is considered, “wifey” material? Ha-ha.

I can (and often) make fun of this entire marriage-business; mainly because, well, I have done it and, it is a joke! But aside from that, I poke fun at it because I have found that it is infinitely more polite to ridicule the institution as opposed to those institutionalized. Ha-ha. Okay… let’s address this.

Do I truly consider the institution of marriage a joke? Not always; but definitely at times. And, the reason I do is similar to the reason I consider life a great big laughing matter sometimes (well, most times!) – and that is, because, well, we human beings are fucking hilarious! Truly! I laugh at how many ways we cultivate to fantastically screw up our lives! And, marriage is at times, one of the dooziest! Listen, I have tried it (marriage) and, while there were definitely moments I thoroughly enjoyed, I admit that I enjoyed the ceremony (okay… ies – don’t judge) more than I did the actual day-to-day of the business J Yup. If it were up to me, I would get married every year or so; the being married part? Ummmm, can a woman buy a surrogate?

I am willing to concede however that that was more than likely, “operator error”; neither party had any business indulging in that business! So, I will not knock the institution as a whole. But, I will say this – before we all get caught up in the rhetoric that spouts – (1) snagging a victim… oops, I meant a man… snagging a man is the yardstick that will be implemented to gauge our worthiness as women, or (2) at/by a certain age if either a man or a woman is not married or solidly on that rose-petal’d path, something must absolutely be wrong with either, or, heaven forbid, (3) you had been married and now, you weren’t even good enough/respectable enough to have your spouse die… you’re (whispered) divorced! Scandalous! – Yes, before we indulge in or allow anyone to involve us in their indulgence of any/all of these, we all should take a long, hard, up-close, honest, no-frills look at ourselves and determine a number of things: (1) do you even want to fucking get married? Or, are you breaking under the societal judgmental weight of viewing yourself? (2) If you did decide that was (part of) your long-term plan for yourself, do you know what kind of wife/husband/partner you would like to or could be? Have you checked your damn self for long-term-relationship-marriage-partnership worthiness? You should. And, here’s another thing, (3) Do you have any idea or clue what you would like or need in a long-term mate? Or, do you plan to just cross your fingers, take what you can get, say “yes” and then figure out, once you have trapped the poor sap, how you then shape and mold him/her into something resembling a decent mate? Shame.

This is why I laugh. So many of life’s #cannotbegintoexplainhowimportant decisions we leave to chance and subject to our foolish whims. I swear, I think many times we spend more time figuring what to wear or eat than we do whom to have unprotected sex with or to commit ourselves to for what should be “forever.” We seem at times to magnify the trivial and minimize the significant. Sigh. So, “do you want to get married?” I strongly suggest that before you say “yes” (do not get caught up in that romantic moment of proposal and well, the amount of carats offered), you dedicate some serious thought to your life – your plans and the path that will best get you there.

The divorce rate is high; this marriage-business is no joke! It is no longer what or how it was when our parents and grandparents did it; when they honored their commitments… no matter what. These days, there are too many distractions – cable, internet, Smart phones – numerous ways that ensure we are never disconnected from those outside of our homes. Access has crept into our lives and made us dependants – we barely look up anymore, forget looking across. No longer do we need to leave our homes – or even our countries to go looking for trouble – all we need to do is “click” or “swipe”. The floozies may be virtual, but the infidelity is still very real!

So, think about what kind of life you would like… and then be honest and follow-through with regard to the steps that either take you in that direction or recognize and acknowledge the ones that take you away (from them). I actually consider it quite honorable if someone decides that marriage (or any kind of long-term commitment) is not for them, opting instead to remain single or chronically, honestly un-seriously attached. I commend anyone who plans a life that prioritizes their career over a family. I applaud the courage and honesty to say, “That is not for me”. My only point is this – for those who understand the meaning and commitment of a union such as marriage and who enter into same with a willing head and heart, cognizant of what is required of them and confident that their partner knows and feels the same – good for you! “Say ‘yes’ to that dress” yall! For those others however, if you’re neither ready then or suspect you will never be, please do not become susceptible to either societal, familial or peer pressure. Because the ironic truth to that matter is, after you have both (stupidly) signed that marriage certificate, everyone else disappears and, very much like giving birth to an ugly baby…. you are required to take him/her home. Hahahaha.

The sanctity of marriage is a serious one; and one that, despite my and some of my friends’ experiences, I do admire and think I may even give another ‘twirl’ to 😉 The truth is for me, I am a “commitment” kinda woman; so, staying true to and honoring my partner (oftentimes because of whom I am and not because of whom they are) is extremely easy for me to live. As a matter of fact, I believe saying “no” to others who may approach me while I am in-relationship is one of the sexiest moments J Additionally, I consider myself way to “fly” to be a cow; so ain’t nobody getting this one (not even the “milk”) for free! Ha-ha. I now understand what is required of me in-relationship; I now know (and like) who I am and even more than knowing what I deserve, I know what I don’t. I understand that relationships are mirrors and, when I stand in front of one saying, “I’m ready” I will get the reflection of what I present. Most importantly however, I am now willing to, in this relationship, experience the ultimate in threesomes – God, him and me; I’m going to battle with all my ammunition! So yes watch, yall can expect a marriage announcement

Listen, I am a humongous fan of that “free will” business. But, I am also one for exercising common sense in all that we do and, taking our consequences “like a man.” Just think. Be true to yourself first and then factor in any/everyone else. Men, finding a substitute mother for either yourself or your other babies’ mothers children is no reason to make (yet another) lifetime decision. Because she’s “hot” is certainly not it either; because trust this lady… “hot” gets real cold in the face of struggles, strife and real life! You ladies – don’t take this “size matters” business too far! Saying “yes” should absofuckinglutely not be determined by either the size of his dick, bank account or the ring!

They’re three letters, two words that carry the weight of commitment, love, wisdom, morality, fidelity, patience, care, understanding, companionship, strength, womanhood, manhood and parenthood… figure out if you’re using them wisely and can back them up. I know I do J

 

 

 

 

Your Memory Bank Charges Higher Interest Than Citibank!

When you wake on a morning that bears the name, ‘Memorial Day’, it naturally follows that it encourages memories. That is just a “gimme”. So before I get into that, I would like to pay homage to all the veterans of all the wars, to the servicemen and women – those alive and those who have lost their lives – I would like to join my adoptive country in expressing gratitude for your service, your bravery, your courage in the face of what most likely was immense fear, your selflessness and your patriotism. I would especially like to apologize for our inability to continue to honor you stateside in the manner you deserve for having risked your lives in our defense – for having you fight yet another ‘war’ against your own country upon your return. I read a quote; it said, “Land of the Free, because of the Brave…” Thank you.

I woke up this morning very early because my mind was flooded with memories – of people I once knew and things I needed to do (I hope yall appreciate how that rhymed). So, I gave up trying to tell myself to “go the fuck back to sleep; today is a holiday!” got up, made a cup of tea and sat down to start handling some of that “things I needed to do” list. Let’s address this. Let’s address memories…

Have you ever taken the time to realize that all of life is simply a series of experiences that, in the second after they have occurred have already been converted to an eventual memory? Yes, that quickly! In fact, that last word I typed and the thought-process I used to choose it have already been replaced by the one I plan to use next… and so on and so forth. In fact, we too are simply a memory of who we were yesterday; and the people we know? Well, the best we can hope for is that those meant to will continue on with us, so that we get to be a continuous part of their daily reincarnations and them with ours. The rest? Well, they become “people we used to know” – with behaviors, words and actions that are now memories.

Doesn’t it make you kinda wonder either, (1) “then, what is the point?” or (2) “if it all happens/changes so very quickly, should I not even blink for fear of missing something?” It does me. I mean, if realities convert to memories so very quickly and ultimately so inevitably, then at times I wonder not if it makes sense to have some of the experiences I do, but certainly if it is necessary or even prudent to invest as much as I do into them. But then I think – the answer to that is determined by the quality of the memory I would like. See, if I want my memories to be as substantive and chock full of gooey-goodness as I like my current reality, then I would be well advised to continue infusing said substance and gooeyness into the present J You see, I have decided that I am so very greedy over (my) life that I want to look back and smile the same way I look forward and dream!

“In the blink of an eye”… yes, so many things happen that fast or change that quickly; “life” stands still for absolutely no one until we die. Given that reality, what should scare us is not blinking, but having nothing that panics us to not want to miss. Truly. I would much prefer to blink and risk missing a bit of something good than to always have my eyes open hoping to find something good. The former means I am living, the latter that I am hoping to L

Memories. For so many however, what they are forced to remember can be filled with such horror that the mere thought of closing their eyes, whether for a second to blink or heaven forbid to sleep, is debilitating. Too many among us have been so traumatized, either by the wars abroad or the wars within their homes, that it makes hoping for a better tomorrow seem as futile as wishing to erase the memory of yesterday. Many have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the experiences at home or abroad they have had to endure and others hold the memories of abuse, neglect, foreign and domestic terrorism and other violations and violence. For too many, what is happening in this exact moment is already carving deep and searing wounds into the next. Memories.

I woke up this morning with my past on my mind, but with my feet pointed toward my future. As I talk with you I am recounting so many of the recent-and-distant-past memories we have watched (because thankfully we did not have to experience many of them first-hand). As I talk with you I am praying that we all recognize the fundamental truth in the reality that this moment, no wait… that one, okay, here it comes again… this one, oh shit, alright that one… fuck! this one, is the moment we will be imprinting on our mCloud (that be, ‘memoryCloud’) and that it is up to us what we choose to look back upon to not only remember, but replay.

 

 

The Blame Game

Yesterday I overheard three women having a conversation… about parenting. I tuned it out as so much background noise until one particular topic broke through my haze – one was speaking about a friend who lost a child. And, supposedly it was the so-called, “favorite child’. The part that perked me up was the immediate chiming in of one of the other women who vehemently announced, “see, that I why I don’t have a “favorite child”! When you single out one of your children like that, that is the one God will take away! A mother is not supposed to have a favorite!” I was hooked.

Let’s address this. First, and to me the more important, is, why do so many people insist on including/blaming God for everything? Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of His, but, I am also quite aware that our actions and our free will translate to our having to leave Him out of some of our foolishness and accepting the responsibility for same. In no way am I saying that the loss of a child is “foolishness” or necessarily our responsibility, but what I am saying is that sometimes, sadly, inexplicably… things happen. Life and death happen.

Next, let’s say she was right – let’s say I agree with her that God is involved in everything – then, I will have to concede that He is one son-of-a-bitch! Truly. If she’s right, then God will have to be one of the biggest assholes ever, to take a child’s life simply because his mother favors him above her other children! Really?!? With that theory, we should all givethefuckup now… there is absolutely no point in moving on in this life with any hope or optimism – God is a vindictive, malicious bastard that simply sits around waiting for us to show too much interest in something or someone, to take it away or kill it! Sigh…

He is not. I do agree that at times, many times, such atrocities and heartbreak happen and it can make you wonder, “if there is a God, where the hell was He?!” I have asked that question. But, even as I have cried out in pain and anger, I have also always come back to the reality of humanity and the acceptance of evolution. Shit… the acceptance of revolution. As a humanity we seem to want to accept the credit when things go well, but shrug off any acceptance when they go badly. Good is always “I”, bad always “He”. I read a fantastically accurate quote once that said, “If you’re not willing to thank God for every smile, then do not blame Him for every tear…” Truth.

But, this is not about God; that man can fight His own battles J This is about that conversation I eavesdropped on yesterday. I shuddered as a mother at the mere thought of out-living my child… my God! No matter how many times I hear a recounting of a child lost does it ever lose its unnaturalness and punch-in-the-gut moment of absolute terror! So, I ache for the mother in that story I heard. But I will say this – God did not take her child away because she supposedly loved him/her better; that is ludicrous! As a matter of fact, I think the only time God should step in in a parenting relationship is for the exact opposite reason – when a parent loves a child so little that he is being abused. Then, I think God should spare the child and kill the parent! But, I digress…

Listen, I have already pointed out in other instances how smart I think I am, Hahaha. No, for real 😉 See, I stopped at one. After she was born, I knew I could not do better (or cuter) so I just gave up. I realized it would indeed to unfair to the next child to have to live up to that first one – so I did us all a favor and quit while I was so wonderfully and blessedly ahead J Smart right? I can play all the ‘favorites’ I want, there is no one else to complain or feel inferior. Ha!

There are many things that happen in life that defy understanding; so many happenings that make us question ourselves, others and either our belief in God or if there is a God. Absolutely. And, there is no shame in questioning; in fact, you should question. Only with asking and getting some answers do we arrive at the next step forward. Admittedly, there are things that we may leave this life still not understanding; with wounds that have not healed. And for those, I am sorry. But life is delicious. If you can find a way to, in the midst of pain and disappointment, value the opportunity to continue on, then, even as you are forced to survive heartache, there is still opportunity – for healing, loving and joy.

I don’t believe God took that baby away. But I am certain He is now holding him in His arms…

 

Taking Off Those Damn Big-Girl Panties! Time For Some Thongs :)

So, I’m done. Another semester down. One step closer to my ultimate goal. Whew!

In the meantime, I am soooooooooooo looking forward to taking some time for myself and, spending time with some of you. It has been way too long! It is well documented the self-imposed rigid reins I implement during the semester when it comes to anything (and anyone) that has little bearing to either school work or plain ol’ work. But, I am happy to announce that I have not simply loosened said reins… I have flung the shit away – well, until August that is J

Let’s play. Seriously; let’s. There is still some room on my ‘dance card’ for you; but, you’d better hurry the fuck up! Ha-ha. Okay, all joking aside, I cannot begin to adequately articulate how excited I am to have some down-time. I am in desperate need of it. It has been quite a while since I have done anything that wasn’t subject to a grade (and no… I am not speaking of any naughtiness; jeez!) and it seems like forever since I was able to stay up late (this time I AM speaking of naughtiness!), with something other than a damned book in my lap 😉

There’s so much I need to attend to; me, you, life. I have a series of ‘wellness’ appointments set up, because unfortunately, one of the causalities of my life when in-semester is always my health. I honestly relegate it to something I pay peripheral-at-best attention to. I keep my fingers crossed that nothing breaks and ignore the rest. Sigh. So, that’s at the top of my to-do list. Simultaneously (because I can go back to multi-tasking like a boss), I will infuse renewed life into a social life and, vigorously apartment hunt. When the fall semester begins at the end of August, I intend to be in my new home, settled and ready to kick some more academic ass! Like I said – “much I need to attend to”. But, I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am! At the end of yesterday’s final final, the shift to my ‘other’ self was immediate. Truly. And, I intend to approach my leisure time with the same diligence with which I approach my in-semester-always-working time. So… seriously, come play with me!

Goodness; I wish I could explain to you why this moment is so significant. When I can, I promise I will. In the meantime however, suffice it to say that this year is a pivotal and monumental one for me… and, there will be a (public) celebration! I truly feel as if I am finally growing up; and with that, my reality has shifted. Shit! I remember just a few short months ago I was afraid (yes, me), giving too much worth and importance to things and people that had become habit. So much had been changed. But, the “shake-up” I had dreaded mainly because of its effect on my academic life, has turned out to be just what the doctor-I-don’t-visit ordered; because, as I admit that things are definitely not easy, they certainly are great!

Listen. To. Me. I am absolutely not going to be writing any thought-provoking shit this morning – today I giving myself off from being smart – I’ll take the ‘C’. Ha. I will say this however, “Thank you for getting me through this past semester. Writing for you, getting your feed-back and just knowing that you have been out there, in my mind rooting me on, has gotten me up and through some very frustrating times. So, before I completely kill my brain cells celebrating, everything in me thanks everything about you.” Me.

Fallacy Or Phallicy?

Do you know, I honestly (stupidly) thought that we were passed that time in life where women were discriminated against… simply for being a woman. And, I am specifically addressing the discrimination that is attached to what women are paid in comparison to our male counterparts… for the same position/title (and oftentimes doing much more work).

I am having this conversation with you this morning because I swear, I am flabbergasted! Not only did I think the world had moved passed that particular bit of ignorance; but, I am now left to shake my head at how long this has been going on… right below my clueless nose. Let me apologize for this next statement, but there really is no other way to effectively say this – clearly I have been engaged in a prolonged state of being “blonde”. Sigh.

So, I work in an industry that is predicated on image; I get that.  The younger, taller and more beautiful you are deemed to be (by some arbitrary judges), the better. (Listen, you don’t judge…. I stealthily sneak past the ‘image police’ at the ropes). That, I have gotten used to and have afore-chalked it up to being an integral (albeit, superficial) part of NY nightlife. But, it certainly eluded me that yet another integral part of this industry that I have cultivated a love-affair with for the better part of, well, let’s just skip that… for quite a while, is also male-dominated (that I knew) and chauvinistic (knew that too). I am only just realizing how blatant (aka, insulting) that chauvinism is, however.

For the sake of this argument, let’s use me as an example. Let’s say I work hard, am intensely loyal and take on and handle responsibilities that are not only mine, but often those that belong to others as well. For the sake of (this) argument, let’s assume that I prioritize my professional responsibilities above all else – sacrificing any semblance of a social life. To bring this home, let’s make me the type of employee that comes early, stays late, foregoes vacations and oftentimes blurs the responsibility line between employee-manager-owner. Fuck it… let’s say that I were the type of employee that a smart employer would do his best to value and keep. Don’t forget though – I am undoubtedly female (because not for nothing, few men would be able to rise to the list I just laid out).

Here’s the interesting thing though in this (supposedly hypothetical) scenario – with all of that, it is highly possible and more than probable, that a male employee doing one-tenth of that work-load will garner a salary and additional peripheral compensations that far outweigh what I am offered – for no other reason than what he has in his pants, hangs. Seriously. Surprisingly (at least to me), it appears as if quite a few men get compensated simply based on the fact that at their birth, the doctor checked off the box marked, “M”. For some, there seems to be a mental impossibility that disallows for the reflection in the value of a woman’s work and worth in her monetary compensation.

Lord have mercy… it seems that no matter how many steps forward we take as a society, there is still so much more work that needs to be done; blatant reminders of how disproportionately some have been treated historically. But, the good news is that we are making strides, slowly; the fact that conversations are happening is a step in the right direction. One of the major differences we enjoy now as opposed to what our fore-fathers have had to endure is our recognition of and dedication to our right to speak up and freely.

Let’s address this: it’s truly time that more employers begin to recognize, acknowledge and compensate women for the phenomenal jobs we do! The out-dated reality that mandated we accept the rhetoric that our performance and endurance lacked in comparison or relation to our men, needs to go the similar way of the banning of interracial relationships, banning of gay unions/marriages, inability to vote, separate schools, bathrooms, water-fountains, back of the bus bullshit… you get the picture, right? The ignorant, sexist, imbecilic thought-process that negates compensating women equal to or, when appropriate, better than men needs to end.

Let me put it this way… your dick may be big and it may hang low, but unless you are completely autonomous thus capable of using it to go fuck yourself, you would be wise to appropriately value what a woman does 😉

 

 

 

Fumble Of Joy

Someone asked me a couple of days ago whether I liked, “other people’s children.”

I have not stopped thinking of the question because on its surface, it can be a very important question in attempting to gauge how someone may treat your offspring. On the other hand however (and it IS a however), asking that of someone that has established has her own child is really asking, not if they like children, but instead if they would be willing to tolerate some (potentially) bad-ass ones!

There’s a lesson here; so let’s address this. I have said this before, but clearly some aren’t listening or understanding, so will reiterate – you parents (yes yall; ‘cause I have never been compelled to “prep” anyone before meeting my child!) need to stop raising children according to your amount of love and tolerance. Furthermore, given the divorce (aka, “baby-mama/baby-daddy”) rate, you also need to start raising your children anticipating that soon enough you will be trying to ingratiate them to some new “uncle” or “aunty”. Fact.

Stop raising brats. And to do that you will need to stop making excuses. It truly is okay to recognize and admit that somewhere along the way you have made a few wrong turns with regard to good parenting. All of us do/did. But, what makes you a bad parent is your unwillingness to reign in both your and your bundle of joy’s behaviors! I promise you the rest of the world will never have the patience, love or tolerance you do.

It’s simple really – rear the type of human you will never feel the need to apologize to the rest of the world for – before their introduction.

 

 

Raise A Glass. Raise Some Hell. Or, Raise A Finger. Just Raise Something To This Life…

GOODNESS GRACIOUS… yesterday was a hard one! I almost fainted on the train in the morning (have not been sleeping or eating well) and felt just all-around shitty! It seemed as if everything around me was moving in slow motion – people, buses, trains, conversations – while my pulse was racing. In short, I was all kinds of out-of-synch! My head seemed to not be communicating the correct commands to the rest of my body – shit was all over the fucking place! Sigh…

Have you ever had moments (or days) like that? I admit to being very scared – realizing that I had lost the control over myself to some unknown entity was quite unsettling. Coming to terms with the reality that I had zero idea what that “entity” was, was quite the mind-fuck! So, I went into instant putting things right mode; and I’m alive today (thank God) to tell you about it. Let’s address this.

Yesterday was my last class of the semester before finals next week. And, as I have realized is the way of professors, the impending end of the term does not mean winding down, it actually signifies the acceleration of things – lectures, homework, papers… stuff. It’s almost as if no one told them before the second-to-last-week that the day was coming; so they’ve now decided to pack a bunch of shit that should have taken four weeks, into two. Oh well… So, there’s that. Then, there’s work. Now, I certainly am grateful to have a job (and one that I am both good at and enjoy), especially as there are so many unemployed and struggling; truly. But I have to tell you, full-time work and full-time school is absofuckinglutely no barrel of laughs! Whew! I know… it’s my damn fault for waiting till my ass is so damn old and have many responsibilities to go to college! If I had done it when I knew nothing of either the world or myself I could have gone and had my parents pay for it (yeah, right!), while I spent much of my time fucking off. I know!!

So yes, there is a lot on my plate. And, that’s so not even the tip of the iceberg; there’s life. And, that brings me to today’s point – there IS life! Yes, yesterday started off downright shitty! For the first time I thought of indulging in that silly #throwback business – I wanted to throw Thursday back! I had had enough and it brought me to tears. But, when I recognized that it did not bring me to my knees, I realized there was hope. All was not lost; and I could/would survive the upheaval. So, I started to make plans. I took a few minutes to figure out exactly what I was feeling and what I needed (to feel better). The first thing I admitted was that I needed some rest – mental and physical.

I have found that asking for what we need is a very difficult thing for a lot of us to do. At times we believe it exposes too much of our vulnerability and most times, we assume that those around us should just know. The truth is that neither is true. It absolutely does expose our vulnerability; but, not too much. As for the latter, well, good luck with that! Expecting those around us, no matter how much they may know, care about and love us, to properly interpret and deduce what we may need without our articulation is setting them up for abject failure and ourselves for constant disappointment. Let that go.

I asked for and was granted the day off. I got scared by feeling faint and the mere thought of having to do today the commute I endure daily was too much to fathom. So, I’m home. I had a conversation with my History professor and admitted how incredibly stressed I am about his final on Monday. I asked for his help – any advice he could offer that would steer me in the right direction with regard to how to most effectively and efficiently prepare; he gave me some fantastic advice (will keep you posted on how it worked out). Then, I took the night off from my regular (aka, boring) routine and spent some time with some friends from out of town (well, from out of the country – they’re Dutchies). I gave myself permission to enjoy myself; to take a break. I had a blast (as you could see from the pic)!IMG-20150515-WA0000

Today I am feeling a bit better; hung-over, but better J . The funny thing is that nothing has really changed – I am still tired, finals are still next week, work is (thankfully) still full-time and my commute is absolutely still kicking my ass! But today, even though my reality has not changed, my approach certainly has. Just the mere act of remembering to take care of me, to make it okay to take care of me, has allowed for some space to breathe. Asking for (and getting) what I needed was huge; both in the asking and the receiving. Taking a night off from the very weighing responsibilities of my life, to enjoy my life, was wonderful. Laughter is truly an amazing healer!

Listen, I applaud all of us who are committed to our lives – who get up every day to kick some ass and handle our business – that shit is hot as hell! But, I encourage you to not be like me – please find some balance – it is okay to stop once in a while and smell the alcohol… oops, I meant, roses; yes, smell the roses J

Take care of yourselves, please.

 

 

 

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