It seems like a lifetime ago that someone gave me this song. But, the effects of the words and the sentiment have never diminished. Yesterday… yesterday had some moments that had me reaching down deep to touch my center, to ensure that what I knew as the truth of Fury was holding fast. Then, I again listened to these words that from the first moment I heard them, became my mantra. They became one of the reminders I keep close for those moments that well…

As it was given to me, I pass it on to you. I pray in those instances that may hurt or confuse it helps to strengthen and bring you peace. Love.

Never Give Up:

Visions that can change the world trapped inside an ordinary girl

She looks just like me too afraid to dream out loud.

And though it’s simple your idea, it won’t make sense to everybody

You need courage now If you’re gonna persevere.

_____

To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you’re called

So don’t be afraid to face the world against all odds.

_____

Keep the dream alive don’t let it die

If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don’t stop

And never give up, don’t ever give up on you

Don’t give up.

_____

Every victory comes in time, work today to change tomorrow

It gets easier, who’s to say that you can’t fly?

Every step you take you get, closer to your destination

You can feel it now, don’t you know you’re almost there?

_____

To fulfill divine purpose, you gotta answer when you’re called

So don’t be afraid to face the world against all odds.

_____

Keep the dream alive don’t let it die

If something deep inside keeps inspiring you to try, don’t stop

And never give up, don’t ever give up on you.

_____

Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way

But you’re gotta keep the faith, bring what’s deep inside your heart to the light

And never give up. Don’t ever give up on you.

_____

Who holds the pieces to complete the puzzle?

The answer that can solve a mystery?

The key that can unlock your understanding?

It’s all inside of you, you have everything you need!

_____

Sooooo, keep the dream alive don’t let it die!

If something deep inside, keeps inspiring you to try, don’t stop!

And never give up, don’t ever give up on you!

_____

Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your way

But you’re gotta keep the faith, bring what’s deep inside your heart …

Your heart to the light

And never give up; don’t ever give up on you…

_____

No don’t give up

No, no, no, no don’t give up

Oh, no, no, no, no don’t…give…up.

(Yolanda Adams)

 

 

 

 

 

What is it about (some) women that seem to dictate they find a way to set up their (happily and confidently) single friends… quickly? Is that desire born out of genuine (misguided) concern for their potential loneliness and an interest in their getting constantly laid? Or, can it be that single women pose too much of a threat? Hmmmmmmmm….

I have friends who seem to want to dedicate a significant part of their time to “fixing me up;” I can’t help but to wonder, “Do I really need that much fixing?” I cannot help but to speculate what the motive behind this desire truly is. I mean, if I were walking and talking stating that I am unhappy, lonely, unfulfilled or feeling in any way inadequate without a partner at my side, holding my head down as opposed to having it so very daringly and arrogantly up, then maybe I can understand their call to action. But with none of those sentiments attributed to my reality, I admit to being quite thrown.

This part I do understand (although I still do giggle and shake my head at it) – when someone gets married (at least for a while) they believe that they have just stumbled upon the very best thing next to sliced white bread! True! And, their only desire during those blissful, rose-colored moments (yes, sometimes it truly only lasts moments) is to have all those they care about experience those feelings. Immediately following those “I Do’s” is an intense wish for this feeling to permeate the entire world! Shit! I mean, if everyone in the world felt as one does in that matrimonial after-glow, there will be no wars, no racism, no hate! Got it. Very noble; and, incredibly cute.

So, not talking about these fools. Ha! I am speaking about the ones running around trying their best to get me off the market. Those determined to see me safely “boo’d up.” I cannot help but to wonder, “Why?” Listen, if the motives are indeed pure, then I say, “Thank you. But I’m good.” However, if the motive for doing so is (consciously or unconsciously) in an effort to protect your trifling mate from potentially glancing in my direction, then I say, “Thank you. But that’s no good!” And, rest assured, I invariably go to a restaurant and eat off of the plate many strangers before me have eaten off of; but, I will never go after a friend and eat off of that plate! You’re safe 😉

Hahahaha. Ladies, listen – first, I wish anyone luck with trying to pick a partner for me! Truly. The reasons for the futility in that exercise are way too many to list. But suffice it to say, in choosing a mate, there will only ever be three opinions I value, mine, his and God’s. Next, just because someone is single does not automatically translate to their being either lonely or depressed. Sometimes that reality was a decision, not a sentence. We need to get to the place, not even as a society, but certainly as humanity, where being alone with no “plus 1” is okay, empowering, mentally and/or physically healthy and, well, sexy as hell! There is no shame is being single! The only shame is taking a partner because you’re desperate!

Listen, some have gotten quite lucky with being matched by their friends; I know of a few success stories. I am indeed not saying it is impossible. What I am saying is the desire for singlehood or partnership is a personal one and should be treated and respected as such. And, for those of you who may either have been wondering or in any way worried about me, let me put your sweet little hearts to rest – when I am ready to change this status of mine, I will be happy and honored to introduce you to, well… I promise you, I’m good J

It’s taken me this long to put aside my, “what took you so fucking long?!” attitude and add my “hoorays” to the rest of the world’s. I admit to spending yesterday reading all the comments, looking at the (rainbow’d) colored photos and listening to all the recounting of a decision that should not have caused such a hoopla for one very simple reason… it should always have been legal for everyone, despite their sexual preferences, choices and orientation, to marry whom the hell they loved (or liked, because of either the sex or the money; ha-ha)! We need to become the world where the celebration of love between any two people is no longer news – it is the norm. But, I will temper my impatience and join you all in reveling in this monumental victory – not just for gays and lesbians – but, for those of us who are capable of seeing further than what is placed just beneath our noses – this is a victory for all you heterosexuals and all us bi-sexuals as well. A bit confused? Okay, let’s address this…

While all you “straight” people and those who are decidedly “curved” but either unaware or in denial were off living your lives oblivious or unconcerned about the plight or the fight that the LGBT community had been waging for, well, decades, what you may have been unaware of is that every day, every single day that their right to equality was being denied and ignored, so to was yours. Indeed. Hear me out. There is no equality anywhere unless there is equality everywhere! I have said this before but so worth repeating – a nation’s, a society’s, a government’s, a leader’s, anyone in a position of power’s decision to deny any right for whatever reason, is more than likely to deny any other right for any other reason. So, take your heads out of the sand… you may have been able to get married (shit! As often as you wished), but were you always free to speak up? To travel wherever you desired? To gain entry into every room/store/building/park/school? Have you always gotten the job you knew you were qualified for? And if not, did you wonder if because of your gender, skin color, age?

People, the LGBT communities have been fighting for their right to be treated, if not fairly, then certainly as unfairly as the rest of us that consider ourselves “normal.” What I want to point out here is that we should all, regardless of our feelings toward two people of the same sex “doing it,” champion for their absolute right to not be discriminated against. Do not be so simplistic that you boil this down to a referendum on sex. This is and will always be a war against prejudice and dictatorship! Regardless of how it is spun, no one, nofuckingone should ever have the right to tell you how to love, whom to love, what to believe, how to worship… Let me wrap this list up – `NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHO TO BE AND HOW TO THINK!

So, the gays can get married; good for them! Some are celebrating the fact that, “now they too can be as miserable as the rest of us.” Very cute! I am celebrating the fact that with this decision, we have hopefully taken yet another step toward eradicating injustices and promoting freedoms. For me, this decision says that minds that have been small and closed are beginning to open, allowing for new ideas and acquiescing to diversity. I am praying that continued movement like this will guarantee that my daughter’s and my grand and great-grandchildren’s world is more accepting, liberal, tolerant and free than mine is. With every “gay, I do” I am depending on the relief of the pressure that has been visited on the backs and the souls of Blacks, women, the handicapped, the victims and survivors of the Holocaust, the transgender – anyone, everyone that has been shunned, bullied, victimized, discriminated against, battered or rejected simply because they dared to be just a tad bit better… oops, I meant, different 😉

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others…” Nelson Mandela.

I’ve moved. And, my new home is peaceful, comfortable and incredibly beautiful. My need for law and order was in overdrive on Sunday when I moved… so twelve hours after the movers left, I was fully settled in – every box, bag and crate unpacked and set perfectly so. Then, I went to bed in incredible pain… but incredibly happy J

So, that business in the past, here we go. How are you all? I have certainly been thinking of you, yes you, every single day that I have been focused on not only handling that bit of business, but more importantly for a couple of days, I was also pulling double-duty as “Mommy.” Yep, she flew in for literally forty-eight hours, so…

Like I said, I have been thinking about you all and more specifically, the world outside of my immediate focus. Some of what has been happening has penetrated but I am certain I have missed many things (so feel free to get in touch and clue me in so I can address it). In the meantime however, I would like to spend some time this morning chatting about that word with a lot of vowels and that packs quite the knockout punch to so very many relationships – loverships, partnerships, friendships, parent/child and employer/employee – expectation. So, don’t expect too much, but, let’s address this J

I will start by admitting that I am indeed a woman that sets the bar (according to some… okay, many) kinda’ high. Yep. But two things – that bar is high for you as well as for me. In fact, when I give it thought I realize that my expectations for, from myself will always out distance and out hurdle what I ever expect from others. I pride myself on pushing myself to always achieve what others expect… and then I add a bit more, just ‘cause. Make no mistake however, that “just ‘cause” is chock full of pride and my full knowledge and understanding of who I am and what I know I am capable of – being and giving. And quite frankly, I find mediocrity both boring and insulting.

So yes, when it comes to those around me, even as I lower my expectation-bar a bit, I will never outright discard it. There is no reason why any one, any of us should ever move through this life not expecting and fuck it, demanding that those we invite into our spaces, whether mental or physical, should be allowed there without full knowledge of our boundaries and our expectations.

But, I have come to realize that that little, much-vowel’d word has quite the negative connotation and has through no fault of its own, earned quite the (bad) reputation. It has come to my attention that it has become that word that many fling around in anger and as some sort of shield designed to deflect their short-comings. This little word that packs so much punch has become, just as that word “fuck” a word that many now use outside of its intended context and have certainly erased its beauty. Just like the word “fuck” – intended I feel to denote the raw, nasty, animalistic and unbridled beauty in a consensual sexual act, not to dishonor or disrespect – the word “expectation” to has become a bad word. In many ways it is being used to negate one’s absolute right to certain treatments and behaviors by another who is either unwilling or unable to deliver same.

But, let me not be remiss in making this distinction – I am absolutely not speaking about the vaulted, unrealistic, undeserved or disillusioned expectations some on this earth walk around with; certainly not that, “this world owes me something” bullshit! No, I am speaking about your and my absolute right to expect that (unless our behaviors make it otherwise), we are treated fairly, respectfully, lovingly and justly. Go ahead and expect… shit, demand that for yourselves! Defuckingmand (see that is not the way “fucking” should be done; ha-ha) that anyone, absolutely everyone you interact with gets the best from you and similarly gives their best to you.

I expect things. I do. I go through this life demanding that the people I work with deliver what they are getting paid for. I expect and demand that those who profess to love me reflect those words in actions (or I remove them from my life). I expect that strangers respect my personal space. I expect bad people to be bad. And, I expect that I give more to this world that I get. I expect, every morning that I wake, to get up and put out some good shit. I refuse to accept any half-assed shit – from either of us.

Listen, without expectations we run the risk of constant abject failure and repetitive mediocrity. We settle. Without it, we are reminiscent of the hamster – cute, soft and spinning our wheels, going nowhere. Don’t allow anyone to convince you that it is a “bad word” and that you are unreasonable and undeserving of having any. Recognize that as their immaturity and shortcoming. Check this out… with expectations we invariably cost ourselves less – stress, disappointment, heartache – in the long run. And, aren’t we all here for the long run?

Dear Universe…

Thank you.

Me.

There are very few words that can be strung together that will adequately quantify the amount of grief, or that can express hope, peace, calm or optimism for our future after such a hateful act as was visited on those innocent lives in South Carolina directly and their families and the nation peripherally.

And, that is the problem.

Because, well, there are no shortage of words that will very brutally express our well-entitled anger, hatred and calls for revenge. And in voicing those, we then continue the gunman’s intent for and legacy of hatred and malice.

So…

I pray for their souls. I pray for the (eventual) peace, acceptance and soothing for their families. And, I pray for us all – because living amongst us every minute of every day are those that sit, wait and plot to hurt, to harm, to destroy, to terrorize, to abuse and to kill.

Listen, “Hate” looks like him. But “Love?” “Love” looks like us.

Rest in Eternal Peace. To Them. And, to all those to come…

 

 

So, Rachel Dolezal was outed by her parents for and I quote, “pretending to be Black for years.” It seems as if most think the fact that a White woman had the nerve to reject and lie about her own “lily” race and of all things, opt to live as a so-called “minority” is the story and the headline here. For me, I am more interested in the motivation of her parents for starting this brouhaha. I mean, what could their motive(s) be? Heaven forbid… could it have something to do with the fact that they have been estranged for years after Dolezal and her Black husband adopted not one, not two, not even three, but four nappy-headed little children?! I truly could care less that she chose, for whatever reason to identify with my race; I am more interested in that familial drama! Truly.

You know, some of you have been quite vocal about wanting “those White people to know what it feels like to be Black;” well, your wishes have been heard and addressed! However, like in so very many areas of life, when we get what we want, we are still unsatisfied. Sigh. Personally I think she should be used as a case-study and allowed to “take the information she has learned as a “Black” woman back to her people!” Hahaha. Who the fuck cares, people?

But, I do care about what would make any parent utilize such a public forum to air what should be perceived as their child’s “dirty laundry”. I am very interested in much of our society’s investment in sensationalism. I shudder to realize that the list of what is considered personal dwindles by the moment. And, it scares me to think that as we revel in others’ misadventures, missteps and misfortunes, we remain oblivious to the fact that we are simply one YouTube video, microphone, pen stroke, selfie, FB post or Smartphone recording away from same. Collectively we have become a society dictated by our public personas – whether genuine or fabricated.

So yes, as with so many other goings-on I am unmoved by this supposed news-worthy revelation. Since the story “broke” I have been wondering why it has gotten so much attention and repetition; I am still at a loss. However, someone having the conversation (or many) with regard to the psychology behind anyone making the decision to live something/anything other than what society sees or perceives – gender, race, class – I will be all over that! I think we sell ourselves short and insult our own intelligences when to limit our conversations to what is most evident and on the surface. This would be a much better educated world and one that rebuffs the presence of mediocrity if we were to all stop settling for the morsels we are constantly being fed.

Michael Jackson pretended he were White (oh… and not a pedophile!). Queen Latifah pretends she is straight. OJ Simpson pretends he is not a double-murderer. Bruce Jenner pretended he were a man. Every once in a while maybe Jay-Z pretends he is single. Multiple times a day I am certain you, like me are called upon to pretend we either like our jobs, care about our co-workers or even that we had that orgasm. My point is this, in the realm of things we fake, delusions we may have or the “little white lies” we may feel justified to tell, a White lady pretending she is Black does and should not even rise to the top.

We need to get our priorities in order. And, we need to stop making it everyone’s business…

 

So, I am apartment-hunting. The Spring semester is over (yes, I did quite well; thank you) and I have made it a goal to be in my next home long before the Fall semester begins (and before my sister-friends get tired of me rearranging their home). I have found an apartment that I like very very much, but naturally there is a story; so, let’s address this.

First, let me begin by stating how incredibly grateful I am to my barring-a-small-detail-like-blood ‘sister’ Dez and her partner Cyn for taking my stressed and sad ass in at the beginning of March after my landlords sold the home I had been living in. With all the words I have and my ability to articulate, I am still unable to adequately express how much being safe, warm and welcomed these last three months in their home have done for my soul. There has been toooooooooooo much laughter, great food, conversations and, Lord help me, beer! And, waking up every day to my almost two-year old godson, Elijah has tickled me plenty. I think the only person who will be happy when I move is my boss – because hopefully I will resume being on time for work when I no longer wake up and play peek-a-boo, have a dance-a-thon and whatever else his little heart desires J This time with them has saved my sanity and gotten me spectacularly through the last bit of the semester.

But, it is time to go. I pride myself on always leaving while still wanted J I feel that when one leaves any situation, there should be tears, not sighs of relief. So, as the semester ended, I kicked the hunt into gear, calling in my real estate agents and tried to light a fire of urgency. When that just seemed to limp along, I resorted to what I do best – I relied on myself and started my own search; and, I think I may have found my next home! But, until I sign the lease, I will refrain from going into any more detail; this here post is about addressing the very frustrating process that is apartment/home-hunting.

What the fuck?!? First, I will state that I am confused at what is considered “the best time to rent.” I mean, isn’t the “best time to rent” anytime someone needs a damned home? Because quite frankly right now is my, “best time to rent!” It’s interesting to me that the ease or difficulty in finding a home is determined by the season… oh, as is the rent! It seems as if this time of the year, summer (well, ish) is not recommended to be looking as the city is flooded with college and grad students; ergo, a lot of backpack carriers needing a place to wash our asses. I get that (sorta). But who the hell wants to be moving not only when it’s cold, but when classes are back in session? “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” And here we go – because demand is so high, so too are the rents. Sigh. Then, if you are fortunate enough to snag you one of the limited (very good) apartments, the truly frustrating process begins.

Listen – I understand from a landlord-perspective there are quite a few worse-case-scenarios that can and do occur with tenants. Supposedly the laws are pro-tenant and I recognize that many tenants take full advantage of that fact. Trust me I know there are some very unethical people in this world. Having said that, I would like to think that I present better than that. Quite frankly I pride myself on the fact that I carry myself in a way that should be interpreted as classy – a trait that I have always assumed will not only separate me from those that aim to lie and cheat, but that will also open closed doors and pave the way for me to achieve my goals. But, it seems in the world of apartment-hunting my well-spoken, classy, employed, well-dressed and articulate behind will get shown all the best apartments, but at the end of the day, I will be vetted as vigorously as those, well…

So, I have been put through the paces in my attempt to get the one and only apartment I have looked at. I walked in and just knew it should be mine. But like a perspective lover, the owners are testing me to see just how much I desire it; whew! It has gotten to the point where yesterday I told them that I finally understand when men have complained that their women can never be satisfied – as I submit and pass every request: stellar credit, job letter, bank statement, exemplary references, pay stubs, past landlord reference – they have come up with yet another version of asking for the same information! What the hell?! I swear I am left to wonder, “Is it them or me?” I admit that I might be a tad spoilt and am both unused to having to provide all this information and smarting that I am being asked to so substantiate myself!

Isn’t it just ironic and unfortunate how the actions of some have such far-reaching effects on others? Even others they have never met? I understand why I am being put through this process; but god dam! I admit that I was/am hoping the way I comported myself would have heavily contributed to the application-process I needed for this; but, I concede that that is as stupid as our looking at someone, having unprotected sex with them because, well, “they don’t look as if they have a STD.” So I get it. I just wish that, as with so many other realities, “Peter” wasn’t called to pay for “Paul.”

Well, I will go through this very humbling experience; trusting at the end I will have achieved what I am after. But I vow this home will be the last I will rent in New York City. This experience has caused me to formulate and set in motion a plan to own my own home and, I even have a time-line. Quite frankly, it is not solely the astronomical rents landlords are asking, it is also the process one has to go through for the honor of paying the astronomical rents that I am rejecting! Shit! At one point in this process I wanted to send my perspective landlords a questionnaire to determine whether they were qualified to be my landlords!

Okay, by the grace of all that is good in this universe I will get the home I have my eyes on. If not, I am confident it will be the next. So, stay tuned for the home-heating (“warming” is too lukewarm for me) invitation… and don’t forget my damn gift!

 

 

 

 

… Just heard someone on a news report say, “She was having an affair with a co-worker at work.” My question is, “Isn’t that redundant? If it’s her co-worker, doesn’t that automatically address the “at work” part?” Or, is the “at work” inclusion not meant to denote an egregious grammatical repetition but used to geographically let me know the actual naughtiness was indeed happening on the premises at work?

Murder is against the law! We really should stop butchering the English language!

I saw a man sitting on the train last night, trying his best to fold into himself for fear of any part of his anatomy or clothing touching the two gay men next to him. I alternated between chuckling and shaking my head at how uncomfortable and disgusted he appeared to be by the men who were minding their own business, (seemingly) oblivious to his plight – because well, not only were they gay, but they were gay – happily going about their lives and their love.

So, I watched this fool and could not help but also be saddened at how ignorant some of us insist on continuing to be and I admit, also afraid for our world. You see, it is ignorance and hatred such as his that cause harm and death. Sigh. As I watched him, I felt like tapping him on the shoulder to reassure his imbecilic ass that, “don’t worry… homosexuality is not contagious.” Truly. I wanted to scream that the two lovers were in more jeopardy of “catching” something from his stupidity and hatred than he was from their love. I also wanted to point out that he could relax… from the look of either of them, he was most certainly not either’s type. Ridiculous! Isn’t it amazing how men (especially) internalize when they see gay men? It’s as if they instantly feel threatened that one of the men will all of a sudden look up, point and decide that they must have him! Heterosexual men seem to have an unjustified fear that every homosexual man will make a pass at them. That is as asinine and as arrogant as my thinking that every man (or woman, for that matter) I may meet will want some. Sigh…

I thought we were getting better. Or maybe, I just hoped we were. But as I watched that man on the train attempt to voluntarily implode, I realized that as a society there is so much further we need to go. I am amazed at the fear we feel for the things we do not understand and the revulsion some have for things that are different. Not even necessarily better, just different. And as always, I wonder why we spend so much of our lives looking at and judging what others do. I marvel at the thinking that says that whom you choose to either love or lay will affect my life. Again I say, unless we are unknowingly loving and exchanging bodily fluids with the same partner, I could truly care less. Who you are and how you choose to identify yourself is not up to me or really any of my concern – I am equally as open to calling you Mr. as I am Ms.

Listen, we need to stop expecting and demanding freedoms for ourselves, while trampling on and denying same for others. When will we fully understand that when you stifle my rights, you invariably choke your own? Make no mistake – in one way or the other we all pay for any one person’s denial of freedom or right. For me to enjoy my freedom to speak, I must encourage and uphold yours to choose. For whether you are allowed the liberty to choose to listen, hear or read, will determine if I have an audience. Think about it. I certainly do.

Back to the fool on the train. Let me say this – I appreciate how some may not understand or cannot accept homosexuality and more specifically, male homosexuality (let’s face it, most heterosexual males champion the thought and image of two women making love; praying for the opportunity to get involved!). I can see how to some that can be unnatural. I concede that point. I can also, if I cock (no pun intended) my head to the side, see how for a heterosexual male watching two male lovers and heaven forbid, imagining what they do to and with each other can just be, well…. “that shit is ‘gay’!” Magnificently stupid-ass phrase! But, I can see how being brought up in a male-dominated, aggression-filled, heterosexual Tarzan and Jane society rebuffs the mere thought of two men…. Got it. But as much as I can find some shred of understanding, that will never translate to my condoning the rampant displays of disgust, ridicule or anger. I think the time is very long overdue for these so-called “manly-men” in our society to take a big-footed step back and check themselves! Because not for nothing, I know quite a few of these so-called “manly-men” who are bigger “bitches” and (not my word, theirs) “pussies” because of their own behaviors than can ever be reflected in the love for one man to another! Do NOT get me started!

Yesterday I watched two men enjoying each other and taking their rightful place at the same (lovers’) table you and I eat at. I was proud of them. I watched another man watch and reject them and couldn’t help wondering if part of his issue was envy. You see, the joy in their faces was beautiful to observe (well, for those of us susceptible to beauty) and when they laughed, it truly was a gay sound. Ha-ha J

If I had my way, I would teach our world two things, simplicity and tolerance. You see, we move around the earth complicating things and that truly is unfortunate and unnecessary. It really is simple – we are here to have experiences – and, the more open, accepting and tolerant we are of that concept the more enjoyment we will get out of both our time and each other. I am not advocating that we simply go around loving and fucking everything and person we encounter; that would be unsafe, unhealthy and just plain ol’ nasty! What I am saying is this, step out boldly, do not be afraid, taste as much as you want and leave what you don’t. Touch it all… at least once. Find out what feels good to you. Reject anyone that attempts to taint you with their fears and prejudices! Seek knowledge for what you do not understand and apply tolerance to what may be different. Move out of your own way, stop blocking the blessings ear-marked for you and invite light in. Soak it up, spit some out and drink profusely! Experience love, so when you see it you will recognize it… no matter how it’s dressed.

Love.