Now, yall know it must be important for me to disturb your evening, right? I mean, in the year+ since we’ve been this intimately intertwined, I think I have done this one other time. I am not sure how your passions manifest themselves, but for me, when I need to write, when I need to communicate, when I need to share… well, I simply must.
I was watching a movie today – in fact two – about relationships. It was unintentional; I was having a lazy day in bed because I have been sick, so I had the television on. Anyway, this movie… as I watched, naturally it stimulated new thoughts, old habits and spot-on parallels, I could not take my eyes off of seeing snippets of my life portrayed by strangers. I got to see what others see and, I sat and processed how they may have felt.
Like I said, you and I have been intimate for over one year now and, we have addressed many things. I trust I have delivered on my promise to never half-step, to be as authentically raw and transparent as I need to be in an effort to honor and thank you for taking the time to read. But as I watched the movie I realized that in as much as I/we have shared, I have never truly touched the relationship of love. My relationships of love. My heart after love. So, on this rainy (in New York) Saturday evening, here we go… let’s address this.
I have been extremely lucky – I have had some amazing love affairs thus far. I have been incredibly blessed in having had partners that have loved, respected, honored and celebrated me. For those of you who started this journey from day-one do know though, I am also quite proud of the fact that I have survived one of the biggest assholes I have encountered, a boy (because I refuse to ever call an abuser a “man’) that made we wonder so very very often how God could have gotten that particular cocktail so wrong, but for whom I now give thanks as his actions are in very big part why I do what I do and who and how I am. But, that is as much air-time as he will get.
Moving on (as I have)…I watched the characters in the movie find, get, keep, lose and regain their footing in the love-department. I chuckled, shook my head, sucked my teeth, rolled my eyes, cheered, laughed outright, prayed and cried. I experienced, as if watching a reel on rewind, my life as I have loved. You know, one of the most fantastic things about getting older (aside from simply the “getting” part) is that with hindsight, knowledge and wisdom, one is then able to look back and critique their actions and decisions. I am able to, without filter, take up the decisions I have made, hold them up to the light of wisdom and experience, turn them this way and that and finally see them – both for what they are and for what I may have thought they were.
Like I said, I have been lucky. And unlike most people, even as my partners are visible only in a rear-view mirror, I do not discount either their impact or importance. I refuse to negate either how successful I thought the relationship for the time and space, or that each still live on in me in one way or the other. Listen… I do not believe in ‘forever’. I struggle with the notion that most humans are capable of liking, living with and loving the same person actively for more than say, ten years. Truly. And, I am being quite generous with that. And this even as I know of and have heard of relationships that seem to have endured for much longer. Notice I said, “seem to have endured.” Take my parents – they have been married now for well over fifty years – so on paper, that shit is quite impressive… on paper. They live in different states and most times, barely tolerate the other. Yet, if anyone were to watch them at a function, one would assume that theirs is a story and life to emulate. And the reality is, there are quite a few people emulating their story; but not the public one that looks great, the true, private one.
Funny enough though, their reality is not what laid the basis for my lack of belief in the fairytale of ‘forever’, I came to that conclusion all on my own. This is what I do believe: we need to all stop buying into the fairytales and become more realistic. We need to begin drafting our own stories, based on our very realistic set of truths. To do this however, we need to face ourselves, remove the IG sepia and other tones and go raw; no filter. For me, “forever” is for as long as we are loving and liking each other… and not one damned minute longer! So, if that lasts two years, ten or twenty, I consider that time well spent and a success! I will be damned if I allow anyone to base the validity, intensity or success of my relationship solely on the outcome. That would be like saying our entire lives were a waste of time, a failure, devoid of enjoyment, success, love and achievements because well, it ended, we died.
I remember being in love… once. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved and I have loved incredibly deeply. But what I am speaking of here is the love that comes in softly, no fanfare, the type that bypasses your heart – that’s just for the “ordinary” people – and goes straight for your soul. The feeling that’s not loud – no jumping on sofas like Tom – in fact, it is quiet, peaceful, steady, it shows up over and again, it feels like everything in your home… yours. I’m talking about the kind of love… shit.
I was watching these movies about relationships and the mistakes we make – because of stupidity, arrogance, insecurity, mistrust, duplicity, immaturity, greed – I wanted to speak with you. I wanted to ask you, to implore you in fact to take a look at where you are, in relationship or not and assess both yourself and it. If you’re loving someone and they you, if something you treasure, then please… cherish it. Protect it. Nurture the love you have and together, fight for the time and room for it to flourish. Remove pride from the equation; that shit cometh before the fall. Understand what a gift it is when, in a world with millions, shit, billons, someone chooses you to love, to trust and to share with. Remove fear from the equation; learn from what may have hurt you in the past, take the lesson but leave the scars back there.
I gotta go; much to think about. With everything I have in me however, I ask you to do this – when you find your ‘other’ when you recognize the person that was made just for you and you him, smile, reach out, take his hand, look him in the eye and let him know you’ve been waiting and how peaceful you are now that he’s shown up…