October 26th, 2012 was the due date I was given for my son. He was not born on that date. In fact, he was not born at all. I miscarried him earlier that year.
It is three years later and as I admit the pain is not as debilitating, not as acute, I cannot yet say there is no pain. I wonder if that day will ever come. There is still so very much I mourn about the loss of my little miracle – so much died with him on that day. Hope. Faith. Excitement. Belief. Optimism. Love.
When they performed the procedure that removed him from my womb, they’d be shocked to know what else they washed away…
Today, or yesterday, or tomorrow, two yesterdays or the day after three tomorrows, we should have been celebrating. This post should have been an entirely different one – one with a smiling face – or three – and one that spoke of and celebrated life. Not memorialized death. Instead, there are tears and there is still confusion and anger.
Listen – do better than me. Do better at healing and hoping. Do better at believing. Do infinitely better at protecting what is left if God forbid, the worst happens to a life you treasure. I have been no good at this part. While I was grieving and imploding, I lost my baby boy… and more.
You can tell I’m crying, right? I would apologize, but that would be to deny the truth of a reality and, I have promised you the truth. My truth. This morning I woke up and I am falling apart. My calendar was unnecessary to remind me of the significance of this date; I know it in my soul. My arms still curve around nothing and my eyes still search for a face I have never seen. My life tastes, smells and feels differently than it did the minute before he could no longer stay with me. I used to hold onto the premise of, “a new normal” but the truth is, when you lose someone you love, nothing is ever “normal” again. Everything is just simply new.
Happy Almost 3rd Birthday Baby Boy Wiltshire-Alabi. Know I continue to love you.