‘Tis The Season For No Folly

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. Not emotionally (although that is now being affected), but physically. I have been asked by the medical professionals and friends, “What’s wrong? Hurting? What do you feel like?” The best I can respond is, “I just don’t feel good.” There truly are no better words I can use to describe what I feel, what is happening; I just don’t feel good.

Yesterday I received the results of the blood and urine work I was ordered to take – everything came back “good” – cholesterol, liver, kidneys, iron, some other fancy levels that are depicted by some letters, pee-pee, good, sugar levels, good – yes, everything good. Yet my day ended in tears yesterday and started the same today; because, well, as I stated in paragraph one my emotional self has now shown up for this event. So, let’s address this

I was hoping whatever was causing me to feel so out-of-sorts would have been identified through those tests. In my head I had grabbed on to it being something as simple as an iron-deficiency, as I have been feeling quite fatigued and have experienced some light-headedness (not caused those times by alcohol; ha-ha) a couple of times. Doesn’t that sound like an iron-deficiency to you? But, no such luck. So last night as my sister read me the results (yes, the doctor-one), as much as I felt some relief that my blood and urine were clean, immediately following the conversation was an immense amount of fear. Because, now what?!?

More tests. My sister has recommended/insisted that more complex tests are done in an effort to continue to eliminate or identify the cause of my malaise. So now? Now, my emotional self has shown up. I am absolutely terrified at what will ultimately be revealed; because the reality is, something will. I grant that life for me – especially this season, with all the corporate events at work rubbing up against school and finals – is quite hectic; drawing on and sapping from energy faster than I could possibly manufacture it. I get that. I have attempted to console myself with the thought that as soon as school ends for the semester next week and all those corporate holiday demands are satisfied and rendered dormant for a bit, everything will re-center itself. Yep, I have told myself all I need is some rest and a backpack-free commute. Best case scenario. But, I know better.

I know my body… very well. I know when something is just a bit off and when it requires a tad more attention because, well, something is broken. This time, I am feeling the latter. Don’t get me wrong – not broken so much that it can’t be fixed, heaven forbid. But enough where more than a couple of aspirins and a conciliatory “there there” are needed. So yes, I listen to my body. Like a man with his woman I may not always heed the warning signs or advice given, I may at times think, “just let me get through doing this and that first” but I do listen. Listen, speaking of “listening” I was feeling so badly that my ass and know-it-is-not-possible-for-a-number-of-reasons self wondered if perhaps the cause of this foolishness was as a result of that other foolishness… pregnancy J That’s how desperate I am for answers!

Take care of yourselves. And, when life gets in the way of your being as attentive as you should, slow the fuck down. If not possible, try to catalog your feelings – both mental and physical – so that you can have a time-line to present to the professionals when you do go. Additionally, let those close to you know how you are feeling, so if you are not willing or able to address the situation right away, there is someone to look out for you, check on you and take care of you while you do other things. Truly. Do not do, “I just don’t feel good” alone. Most importantly, when you do go to the professionals, do not allow them to brush you off with either dismissal or disbelief. If you know something is wrong, keep going. Keep pushing. Insist they keep looking until they find it. Even if that “it” is an iron-deficiency. Demand the answers you deserve. Your life can literally depend on timely information. Naturally I am not addressing you hypochondriacs out there (at least not today). Your health is your life. It is a direct correlation to the quality of life you will have. Pay attention. Please…

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