So yesterday I received confirmation that I have failed my very first class since starting this academic journey in 2012. I cannot begin to adequately express my feeling then and still now. I am disappointed, disgusted, angry and ashamed. I have let myself down. The class was French.
Since confirming this bit of foolishness, I have had many conversations, with myself (where there was quite a bit of yelling and cursing… in many languages, including French!) and with others who tried to help me put this into perspective. The encouragement and soothing ran the gamut – “Well, it IS a foreign language. C’mon, give yourself a break; this semester collided with your extremely hectic event season at work. Set this aside and move on; this does not define you” etc, etc. All true. I appreciate all the support and am doing my best to heed the words and let them wash over me enough to be a salve on my very very bruised pride. Cause you see, I do not fail! Yet, it seems as though I indeed do. Sigh.
I wanted to put this bit of embarrassment out in public in an effort to open up a discussion – one on how you handle those moments in your life where you let yourself down. Are you the “take it in stride” kinda human? Or, are you more like me – beat yourself up like there is no tomorrow; then when you realize there is indeed one (a tomorrow) you finally relent and make a plan that absofuckinglutely does not include this happening again?! I am still somewhere between beating myself up and the vowing bit. Sigh.
But seriously, I am realizing that a very big part of how life treats us is determined by our ability to ‘recognize and readjust’. The better we get at seeing our flaws and mistakes for what they are and implementing the steps to correct and not repeat them, the better we will be at doing life with some modicum of success. Truly. You see, our attitude in all things is what will determine not the outcome necessarily, but certainly our perspective. At this late stage in life (ha-ha) I have finally figured out that (my) happiness is not dependent on my winning or success or passing, but it is predicated on my approach and perspective. Look at this – I can fail (fuck… I did fail!), so I could let it be the thing that so destroys my self-esteem that it breeds far-reaching doubt and fear and derails my plans, or, I can understand and accept that sometimes, the outcome pales in comparison to the intention. I can, give myself a break.
Sounds good, right? I certainly understand the theory of this much better than I did the theory of that damn French! I certainly get this. I know that getting an “F” in school does not mean I have gotten a similar grade in life. I appreciate having risen this morning – the day after viewing the “F” – because being alive means I have an opportunity to make this right and revert “F” to standing for these things I enjoy – Food. Footwear. Fashion. Fun. Fucking. Fury J
Listen, I can’t spend too much time here – I must continue berating myself for a bit, then quickly move on to moving on (aka putting some distance between me and that “F”). I did however want to encourage you to do better than me – not in the result kinda way (although feel free to kick some ass there as well!), but certainly in the reaction kinda way. When life (or self) disappoints you, without my sounding too much like a cornball, please find a way to quickly put things in right perspective, stabilize yourself from that minor stumble, give it both middle fingers and carry on! Appreciate that everything is a lesson – in either what to or not to do and carry on! Recognize that very few things in your actions are so permanent that they cannot be addressed, accessed, tweaked or fixed… and carry on!
Yesterday I saw the result of actions that I made that bore fruit. That fruit was/is quite bitter to me. But the more I think about it and write to you, is the more clear I am becoming on a plan to, well, carry on. Smarter. My GPA took a bit of a bruise this past semester; but luckily I had enough cushion to still have it settle at a 3.0. Not bad. But not good enough. But remember? We talked about this… I woke up this morning and, I plan on doing the same tomorrow, so this means I get to put my dented ego at the bottom of my book bag, securely lock that shit, toss it over my very able and determined shoulder and, you guessed it… carry on J