I have been thinking about this “casual sex” business. Yes, while most of you are either voting for or worrying about the joke that is our political reality and the rest consumed with the “whiteness” of our social landscape, I have been worrying my bottom lip trying to understand just how one can legitimately place the word ‘casual” in front of sex. So, please take a break from your very valid concerns and, let’s address this…
Throughout my thus far very substantial life, while I have had my share (okay…and maybe some of yours as well 😉 ) of sex, I am proud to announce that I have never had what I have come (not to be confused with that other, “cum”) to understand is that kind of sex that is deemed “casual.” Despite the success or seeming failure of any of my relationships, I have always prided myself with the knowledge that everything about me and what I both share and demand far surpasses every level or understanding of flip, or casual.
But, I do admit to being quite intrigued by the culture. Indeed. I am fascinated by the notion that anyone could be that hot, sexy, monied or successful enough, or even that I could be that ruled by my libido – shit, that horny – that I could consent to sharing with them the second of my personal prized possessions (yes, second only to my soul) – my body – on a casual level. That I could ever agree to have any member or limb touch me there with it being attached to someone whose full name I neither know nor care about. Without coming off (as opposed to, getting off) like a prude (because Lord knows I am far from!), how, or better yet, why would anyone consent to that?!
Okay, hear me out on this – the reason I am so flabbergasted by this is because not just sex, but my sex is way too intimate for that. I don’t know about you, but I figuratively and literally get all up in it! Too much so for some casual encounter! The way I love (physically) dictates I trust. Every part of me is involved in a sexual encounter, so that demands intimacy; and that cannot be achieved with anonymity.
I have had friends tell me I “do not know what I am missing” with regard to the heat that is sex of a casual nature. Truth. They believe I limit myself by not at least attempting it “at least once” before I condemn it. They try to convince me that “sex is sex” and that it can rise to the exact levels of satisfaction I experience in intimacy, in the casual realm. To that I say this, “Yes, if an orgasm is all you are after.” You see I do get it (and, I mean, I do get it), if your end-game is to release, then many things will do – a casual partner, a blow-up, or any vibrated device. No question. So I am not confused at the success of a casual encounter; I am confused by the appeal of same.
I worked in Corporate America and, I got quite excited in the summer when the first ‘Casual Friday’ began. Even as I enjoyed the process of getting dressed up in my best corporate-attire-with-a-twist every day, I truly did welcome the casual aspect of Summer-Fridays that allowed for me to truly express myself. On those days once a week for three months I got to show these people who I truly was. So to me, ‘Casual Friday’ was the time that didn’t signify sloppiness or unfettered freedom, quite the contrary – for me, it meant a time of careful self-expression, pride and thoughtful intimacy… with myself. As I noticed people around me use it as the time that they placed little to no thought to their appearance, it had a distinct opposite effect on me. It is no wonder I cannot grasp the concept of sex with little thought; I cannot even get dressed without a commitment J
Me aside, there is no question that not only do people indulge in this culture, it is so very common-place that there are social sites dedicated to just this. Sites with apps that many unabashedly display on the home-screens of their devices. So does this then mean that the problem is solely mine? That despite how progressive and permissive I believe I am, I am a prude by nature? Does the fact this so makes my nappy hair straight mean that I am not only old, but disappointingly old-fashioned as well? Should I not be proud, but in fact slightly ashamed of the fact that in my fifty years on this earth I have never had a “hook-up” with anyone beside those I have been boo’d-up with? Sigh.
Listen. Yes, I am afraid of diseases. I am allergic to complications and confrontations by irate partners (mine or theirs). I am full of pride and admittedly, insecurities – I need to know you’re going to call me in the morning. But all that aside, my biggest reason for staying away from the realm of “casual” when it comes to my sex, is intimacy. The things I need to do to my partner require, well familiarity, dedication, history, intention, friendship, respect, monogamy, it requires trust. And there ain’t anything casual about trust…