Woke up this morning and as is my habit, I logged into my bank account. Some who know this particular peculiarity of mine that dictates I check my accounts every single day, still struggle to fully understand why such a necessity for me. Some may even go so far as to call it “an obsession”. But listen, that is another post for another day. Today’s is going to address what I saw (or didn’t see) when I performed this daily ritual.
One week ago to the day, I sent out a check that, upon receipt and cashing, will change a portion of the landscape of my life. This decision was a long time coming; in some ways, quite overdue. However, as I saw that check with its “pending clearing” status in my account, I could not help but to catch my breath. It seemed from my reaction that even as I had made the decision and moved forward in its execution, only as I saw the proof, the reality of this decision being taken seriously, did the full significance resonate with me.
Isn’t it incredible how at times, when confronted with the proof of our own actions, we react in ways that will belie our participation in said decisions? Performances that indicate that at the time of making, an alien being had to have had invaded our minds and bodies and commandeered control. Truly. We’ve laughed at the ‘waking up after a night out in Vegas with matching tattoos or, heaven-forbid, a bride’ stories. We have shaken our heads in superior judgment at those who have succumbed to indiscretions that have subsequently cost them their marriages, livelihoods, relationships, social-standing, jobs or academic successes. We have universally scoffed at the feeble attempts to pin these indiscretions on, ‘lapses of judgment, black-outs, “The Goose” or out-of-body experiences.’
But I swear, looking at my bank account this morning and processing the difference in its bottom line today in relation to yesterday’s because of a decision I made, I am confident I could absofuckinglutely make a case for having been momentarily invaded by another entity. But the truth is, it was solely my decision. And dare I say a fucking great one at that! Even so however, the sight of the proof of an imminent change in my life had my breath catching (which wasn’t all that pleasant as I had yet to brush away the “morning breath”). Ha-ha.
I thank God that I have never been afraid of things changing. In fact, the monotonous repetition of things is tantamount to a death-knell for me. I require movement, variation and reinvention. So, this is in no way my resistance to what I have set in motion; instead it is acknowledgement that for many of us human beings, even as we take ownership over our actions and decisions, the manifestation of same can still be jarring; can still shock. Perfect example – almost thirty years ago I remember making love to the man I was married to. I remember doing it in such a way that allowed for procreation. Then, I remember taking the ten months to have that little person properly ‘cooked’ inside of me. I remember all the plans I/we made for her arrival (although I was told I was to have a boy; but…). I remember heading to the hospital when it was “time”. I remember the labor. I also however remember the absolute shock and wonder of looking at her for the first time… and to this day, for the billionth time! Almost thirty years later, I am still awed at her presence – as if I did not lay down and invite her here.
Soon enough, another part of this fantastic journey of my life will, if not change, be affected. I saw the proof this morning. So, as I brace myself to fully walk (in some fabulous 4” heels at that!) in yet another of the decisions I have made, I ask God for continued strength, you for continued indulgence and the Universe for continued patience.