Last week was life-altering. The day before I deactivated my Facebook account (yes; and I will address the reasons later), I was informed by my academic advisor that I qualify for the Honors Program in my major. If I wanted to pursue that distinction, I needed to get approval by an authorized faculty member. I asked. They answered. I am in. So, from this upcoming semester, that’s where you will find me… getting my ass challenged by the English department, all in an effort to prove what we already know – I so love and respect the English language that I honor it every time I speak or write by amongst other things, refusing to desecrate it by ignoring proper structure, punctuation, conjugation or spelling.
That was last Wednesday morning.
By the afternoon things began, not unraveling at the seams, but certainly started worrying the little thread that was hanging out exposed. By the evening, the entire start of my day had become threadbare and frayed. I was done. And, I am unsure how you respond to those “done” moments in your life, but for me they signify only one thing – some/things must change! Again, don’t know about you, but my ‘sick and tired’ demands I do something about it… not just talk (or write, for that matter). Here’s some of the process. Let’s address this…
I took inventory. I started with myself and moved on to you. Now, don’t go getting offended… I am not speaking of you, you; just you J I started thinking about roles and more importantly, the roles we play in others’ lives, theirs in ours and for me the most important role of all, the one I play in my own. How I either manifest or allow actions, experiences or behaviors.
Like I said, the day began with news that altered the course of my current academic career and my future possibilities. I admit to being very proud of what I have achieved thus far and grateful it was brought to my attention. Then, as is the job of the devil, all attempts were made to steal my joy. I also admit to letting it. For a moment. Then I challenged myself to regain control … of that moment. I reminded myself that the decisions I make right now, will bear their fruit in the future. And so, I decided to till the acres of fertile ground the good Lord has seen fit to entrust me with (that be my life J ) and to use the bullshit that was coming my way as the manure it was! I decided to stop crying about it and being about it. I figured… I was given green pastures and I was given shit… let’s have each do what it was created to do! Fertilize, bitches!
Facebook. I appreciate and applaud the invention. I think it is brilliant! With every new discovery of the geniuses behind it, I am fascinated. I do not now nor have I ever shared in the belief some have that, “Facebook is evil!” I had then and still do now, hold those of us with the power in our fingers responsible for everything that is manifested because of our attention and involvement. Please, read that again. Because in those words lie some of the root of my decision.
I was being harassed. Not in the ‘cyber-bullying’ way that has claimed the lives of too many; but in the passive-aggressive way that some amongst us are more prone to. That way that their power to utilize their, ‘like, sad, amazed, love, angry’ buttons transmit their dislike, jealousy or envy to you. And, let’s not forget the added power of not hitting a button at all! I started to notice a trend in some. I gave it time… just in case I was wrong. In my transparent way I continued to post. And, I watched. And waited. Then I was sure. Of both myself and them. I confirmed a problem and decided on control. I am not passive-aggressive.
I write. And everything I write in these forums is either the or my truth. I do not know how to communicate any other way. I believe I owe it to myself to share authentically if I am to share at all. What I also believe however, is that some are more comfortable living in the shadows – liars, thieves and manipulators. Folks who are threatened by another’s transparency (of their own life, mind you!), anticipating the possible vulnerability in their own. What I also realized in those moments that plummeted me into deep introspection, is that not everyone should be honored by you. Which means, all those allowed to passively become a voyeur to both your pleasures and pains, contributing nothing, sucking everything. I realize that my dedication to my truth became something tainted when in the hands of dangerous others.
There are many things in (my) life I treasure. Hear me… “treasure” not just love. People. Honesty. Peace. People, attributes and a state of being that mandate I move through (my) life in a particular way. They dictate of me a beauty in my soul that has learned to reject any and all ugliness. They demand I guard their importance with the ferociousness of not just a mother, but every mother! And, they command I insist for the same in those around me. Or, I remove myself. Simple. I deactivated my Facebook page not because, “Facebook is evil!” but because some people are. I decided to insist my actions reflect my words and treat my treasures as such. I closed ranks to minimize the impact, influence and intrusion from those I could not trust. I took back all the pearls I was throwing in front of swine!
Yes, I write here. And, like this post, most are intensely personal. So you may ask, “What is the difference?” It would be a valid question and out of respect I will answer – As personal as I may get here, any who seek my ill are only allowed access to me, not to anyone else I treasure. Names are not publicized, (their) pictures are not published (but for those rare occasions, with their permission). Simply, here you do not know who my ‘friends’ are. You can “come for me”, but in being dedicated to this blog and to my commitment to addressing those topics I and you, by request or comment have deemed important, I am willing to accept any commentary or criticism that is respectfully given. In fact, I welcome it. What I will never welcome, is the disrespect or disregard many of us have given ourselves permission to indulge in via social media. That some have chosen those forums to shame, taunt, vilify, bully or disrespect is both cowardly and damaging. But, by signing on I recognize I have left those I treasure (and myself) open to it. I have corrected that mistake.
So last week I got accepted into the Honors program and I deactivated my Facebook account (I did other things as well; but 😉 ). Two notable occurrences in my life that may seem absolutely unrelated but for one quite invaluable thread… the unimaginable freedom that is derived from an unshakeable commitment to achievement, growth, loyalty, honesty and peace.