I feel depressed.
Yesterday I spent the entire day in bed, alternating between watching ‘Ilyanla Fix My Life’ and ‘Love & Marriage, Huntsville.’ And, even as some may lay the blame for my state of being squarely at the feet of what I chose to binge-watch, sparking a “chicken/egg debate,” I will have to err on the side of, the feelings came first, triggering the mindless choice in viewing (I have never watched either show before yesterday). Earlier, I forced myself out of bed, went to church, literally praying that both the movement and the choice of activity will infuse some light into the heaviness I feel. Nope. And in some respects, I feel worse. Let’s address this…
There is a lot happening in our family and that alone could carry the weight of all I feel. But, it does not. As I relayed in my prior post, I acutely feel the separation from school in a negative way. That also contributes to my feelings. A project I am working on is not moving as efficiently as it should. That too is frustrating. And, as if all those are not enough, I am being forced to question a decision I had made a while back that I am no longer confident about.
So, I am struggling quite a bit.
Now, in some respects, something can be done about most of what is weighing me down. As far as my family is concerned, I will pray and do my part. School? I just need to be patient until I resume and, I can even move up the date of resumption. With regard to the last two problems? Well, I am taking steps to force some efficiency into the first and if that fails, I am simultaneously taking the steps to nullify it altogether and, regarding the second? All it requires is my honesty and my ability to appropriately assess the situation to determine its continued viability. Shoot, maybe watching Ilyanla did pay off!
But here’s the thing: even as I know logically what I should do in each circumstance, I am still overwhelmed. And, that feeling of overwhelmed-edness has me a bit crippled. Figuring out if all these feelings are valid or even valid right now is important. Recognizing that just one of these set of circumstances could be the catalyst for the feelings of the others is an important component in deciding what to do or when to do. Figuring out which element is the most crippling and perhaps causing the most and subsequent peripheral trouble is similarly imperative. Allowing myself the room to feel what I do and cautioning myself to follow the tenet to, “not make permanent decisions based on temporary situations” is advisable.
So, I am going through the process.
I am being kind to myself and rejecting the negative stigma some may want to ascribe to these moments of deep or crippling vulnerability. I am going to be kind to myself with the ebb and flow of my emotions. I am going to cry if/when needed and rejoice in those moments that a smile or laugh manages to emerge. I am going to monitor myself with how long these moments of sadness, fear and helplessness last and seek help if they become moments of hopelessness. And, in moments of strength, I will use them to celebrate its dominance over a moment of weakness. I will be careful, methodical and patient… with myself, the process and the circumstances.
I recognize life. I get it is not always pretty. I still know it is always worth it.
PS. I get to write and that allows me some momentary relief from my feelings. I am also quite transparent and not afraid to be vulnerable. Many are not like that. Check up on your people; especially those you consider quite strong and those others who are more closed off. Feelings of hope/helplessness are more common than we would like to think. Check up. Check in. Check on.